london, baby!

so for those of you who do not already know, kayla and i are going to london this summer for about seven weeks! we leave the middle of may and return in early july (hopefully before the fourth). we will be taking one class and interning for approximately twenty hours per week. unfortunately, we will not be attending the olympics as neither athletes nor spectators, but we will hopefully get to see the set up!

i'm. so. excited.

yay!

finding serenity

i think (and hope) my roller coaster of mumble jumble emotions is finally over. not being able to physically or mentally handle a typical day in the life of elise was a terribly strange feeling. yes, i am in control of how i act on my emotions, but no, i am not in control of my emotions themselves. not being able to control something that has the power to control you is an icky feeling. what happens, though, when not only can you not control your emotions themselves but you no longer can control how you express them?

my wednesday morning was a perfect example.

being late for my bus caused a horrible, spiral effect of emotions to explode out of me. like a tea pot screeching in order to announce the water is ready, i kicked, screamed, and cried, quite possibly to let the world know i'm ready to accept it, get help dealing with it, and move on. it is surreal looking back on this thirty minute part of my morning. i literally do not believe i had any control over my body: my actions, my words, my thoughts. as cliche as it may sound, i feel as though i was outside of my body just watching myself fall apart. kinda scary...

after i calmed down and began to breathe, i went home. sometimes, the best medicine in life is a teaspoon of laughter, a tablespoon of love, and a whole jar of family.

to know how normal all of these emotions are is comforting; simply learning how to deal with them is difficult.

on a brighter note, i bought my wedding dress yesterday! it is so beautiful and makes me feel like a princess. i just want wear it everywhere, everyday. i wonder if i could start a new trend?

wedding dresses are the new "it" thing for spring? i wish...!

dang. it snowed.

it just does not feel like he is really gone. when will it finally sink in? not that i want it to... ever.

maybe it is because i have been busy constantly every since the beginning of this semester which was the day after the funeral. maybe i have not had enough time to actually process what happened. maybe i should see a grief counselor. ya, i think that's what i will do.

i am looking at wedding dresses this weekend with my mom, my grama, and kevin's mom. i know if my grampa was here to see my wedding dress, he would say, "oh, honey. you look lovely, just lovely." i can hear his voice saying exactly that.

this sucks.

bittersweet blessing

it has been four weeks already since my grampa passed away. almost four weeks down to the hour exactly. the whole evening seems like a blur.

kevin and i were enjoying a relaxing day of doing nothing but watching back-to-back episodes of 'friends'. we lead an exciting life. right when i was about to cook us dinner, i got a phone call from my brother, jack. he sounded upset and asked me if i was sitting down. thinking this was some teenage drama, i slightly sarcastically said i was. then he said...

grampa died. i didn't think i heard him correctly. i asked him to repeat himself. grampa died.

my head was spinning. i burst in to tears and threw my phone at kevin. i think he held me for what felt like a brief moment before i decided to get dressed, pack random objects in which were in my line of sight, and leave to go home.

i will never forget the rush of emotions or feelings felt that evening. thankfully, he passed away while taking a peaceful afternoon nap with no pain or discomfort. later i was told when the paramedics arrived at my grama's house, they could detect a slight heartbeat and were confident he could still hear my grama, mom, and jack speaking to him. they were able to tell him they loved him, it was okay to let go, and he was not alone. this was a blessing, as bittersweet as it was.

enjoy carving your wooden ducks for all of god's mantles. enjoy playing baseball with baseball legends. enjoy being able to breath without the constraints of your oxygen tank. enjoy running and playing fetch with maggie-dog.

sleep well, grampa. i love you.


grama and i when i was barely old enough to walk.

computers in heaven? yes or no?

i think the stresses of work and school are catching up to me. not mention grieving at the same time. i think the sleepless nights and headaches are egging each other on… like a never-ending cycle of misery. hopefully i finally get some much-needed rest tonight.

yesterday was a hard day. i did't feel well the entire day. and not just because i was getting over a migraine. along with not feeling one hundred percent, i spent extended periods of time throughout the day just crying for no reason. sure, i could say i was sad or lonely or missing my grampa, but it was not just that. i spilled water and cried. i could not find matching socks and cried. weird…

on a brighter note, i have almost completed my application to study and intern this summer in london. hopefully both kayla and i get into the program. i am not sure if either of us would be comfortable going alone.

hey grampa, if you have any say with the big guy, can you suggest that we be accepted? i know, if you were still here, you would love to hear about this experience. well, i will keep you updated on here. do you know how to use computers in heaven?

communication to heaven. interesting thing to ponder.

where's the sun?

it has been gloomy outside all week long.

and it was supposed to be sunny all week.

this isn't helping my "think positive" and "think happy thoughts" mood attempt.

when the weather is gloomy, how do you make yourself feel "sunny"?

d. all of the above

it has been exactly three weeks since i lost my grampa. this is the first time i have been able to write about it which seems odd because i have always turned to writing as a way to express myself- particularly my feelings. through the countless sleepless nights (which is awful being as i'm a college student), it never occurred to me to write.

simply. just. write.

other than putting a few pets to sleep, i've never really experienced death. i would assume crying is normal, yet i haven't cried for more than an hour total in the last three weeks. i feel as if i am not "grieving properly". i am surely not over his death by any means. maybe i haven't accepted it yet. or am i still mad? sad? confused?

d. all of the above

i don't want to sound selfish by saying the typical "what i wouldn't give for one more day" line, but it is true- not only in my case but for everyone grieving a loss. i know death is part of the "circle of life" as lion king says, but i simply wasn't ready to let him go yet. or ever.

hopefully tonight is sleepfull night rather than sleepless.

goodnight, world.

and goodnight, grampa. <3